Words by Rachel

I just received an e-newsletter from Authentic Lives (I'm not quite sure how I got on their mailing list, but anyway...), which included a timely reminder of the value of communication, as well as 10 important things we should never forget when communicating. Imagine, if we just took a moment to read this and apply it to communications in our relationships at work, at home and even with strangers. Perhaps acting in this way might inspire others to reciprocate.

1. Listen with intent to understand, not to plan your response.
2. Learn to sincerely reflect back your understanding of what has been said to you.
3. People are almost always doing the best they can with the awareness they have.
4. What is said and what is actually heard are often very different. The response you get will indicate if you have been heard correctly.
5. Different people need to be communicated to in different ways.
6. Every person is acting from his or her own particular map of the world. Learn what the other person's map looks like!
7. It is more important to understand than it is to be right. Put a conflict resolution process in place and use it!
8. Avoid making communication about YOU!
9. Love and fear cannot occupy the same space. Stay away from fear!
10. Always assume there is something you don't know when you enter a conversation.

Many of these points resonate deeply with me and are discussed in Paul Born's soon-to-be-published book Community Conversations. Part of the art of communication is the ability to listen effectively, which requires us to "suspend our assumptions" (as Paul puts it in his book). Suspending our assumptions really involves a collection of the actions listed above.

We all come into conversations somewhat "burdened" by our own experiences, biases, assumptions and perspective or, as the list above says, we have our own particular "map of the world." This map is responsible for many things. It informs the response we are planning while listening to someone speak; it influences the way we reflect back our understanding of what has been said; it colours the way we communicate with others and the ways with which we would like to be communicated; it can create competition between communicators and listeners; it can make communication self-involved; and this map can give you that "all-knowing" illusion.

But, these same assumptions that I just said to be "burdens" can also be our blessings. They are the colours of our communication that build relationships, acknowledge similarity and difference, and inspire us to learn and reflect. The tools that are our experiences, biases and assumptions are the tools by which we draw, paint and sculpt when communicating. I think it is  how we use these tools that help to enrich or stain communication. And this is the fine art of communication.

If all else fails, I try to remember, in myself and others, that people are almost always doing the best they can with the awareness they have. Margaret Wheatley calls this relying on human goodness. I choose to believe we are all inherently good people, and it is how we communication that can bring out the best in others.